I have never learned to accept failure as an option. I grew up thinking that I would accomplish every task I set up for myself and every task which was given to me. Not only would I accomplish said task, but I would do it with the highest quality possible. There was no half-assing allowed in my reality. This created a perfectionistic nightmare for me later on. I could not face the idea of not being the best, of people thinking I was not intelligent, of being deemed stupid. This is my insecurity. I feel people look down on me for my major, for my way of life, because of my appearance, and for many other reasons. I do not know, yet, how to counteract these feelings. Perhaps they are in my head, but I can recall certain points in my life where I have felt marginalized for the reasons above.

I have confidence in myself; some might say too much confidence. People do not, however, see how frustrated and defensive I get about dance, theory, etc. I would very much like to be taken seriously in my fields of research, and I am tired of feeling like a second-class collegiate student because I’m a dance major. Why is it that when I say I’m planning on going to grad school for dance theory, that people ask me if I’m going to teach at a studio five minutes later? I just cannot get it through my head.

Maybe I am not meant to understand other people’s points of view on this subject. I, myself, have changed greatly in the last 5 years in reference to my own thoughts about dance, feminist, queer theory. I see the intersections, the importance, the problems, and I know where I would like to fit in. I will make my case and write, as it seems to be the only way in which the “educated” can communicate.

I don’t know perhaps the point of this blog, but I do know that I would like to stop being insecure about my intellect. I go to one of the top research institutions in the U.S.; I could be working with one of the greatest dance scholarly minds in the 21st century; I am training in several fields to further substantiate my arguments. I need support from my friends, from my family, from my peers if I am to make this happen.

Do I think I can change the world? I don’t know…I don’t know if I want to. Do I think I can enhance the opinions of many students, scholars, and dancers? I do hope so. We write from where we are, who we are, what we know. I am a queer, dancing, white male in the 21st century. This is my grounding. I will use theory to “objectively” analyze work, but I cannot escape myself, my body, what is at stake for me.

What is at stake for me? I am still figuring that out.