I can’t get anything done lately. I just come home, sit down, veg out and turn off my responsibilities to the outside world. It’s not that I don’t want to be a good student or a good friend or a good laundry person, I just don’t have the energy right now. It’s been three days since Dance Revolutions finished and I am completely exhausted. I don’t want to think about how far I am behind. Today I’m going to go to my classes and be like, sorry I know I should have this done, but I really don’t. I will catch up. I just need a moment to breathe, a day to catch up, a day to rest, a day to remember.

The past has a strange way of making itself extremely visible sometimes. I’m not saying I’m some kind of psychic, but I knew when he came back that he’d feel this way. It doesn’t take a love doctor to figure these sorts of patterns out. Long distance is hard enough and sometimes shouldn’t be rushed in the first meeting. I just wish I weren’t always right about you. So far, I’m batting a 1.00.

I have to get ready, the clock is ticking down. I think I’m going to drive today, since I couldn’t for so long. The freedom is nice, but it’s odd nonetheless. I suppose that gives me more time. More reflection.

I’m often puzzled by my lack of understanding myself and my emotions. My heart accelerates when I get too frazzled, it starts to faulter, it skips a beat, adds another, quickly becoming irregular. I feel it inside me going out of control; I can’t change it, can’t slow it down. All I want is my old heartbeat the one that was always perfect. Thoughts of past, present, future make that impossible. When did it change? I remember a day this summer when it started going crazy. I was in apple valley. Maybe it’s just had enough turmoil, enough hardship. I’m not whining, but my love life has been sub par. I’ve been in love a total of three times. I think this hiatus I’m taking is going to help me in the long run. I don’t mind being single; I just miss the intimacy. I can’t tell you how good a hug feels but something closer would be so nice. Let me back into your world.