It’s a tricky business dealing with the heart. Physically and emotionally mine’s been unquestionably taxed as of late. Last week I spent an entire day in doctor’s offices trying to figure out what exactly is causing my palpitations, my irregular beating, my shortness of breath, and my dizziness. With two doctors, one specialist, still what is known? Nothing. I can’t say with a definitive answer if I’m ok or not. All I know is I’m breathing, my heart is pumping, but how much and how well? It’s scary, actually. The nurse on the phone called it a vicious cycle, the fear of my heart getting worse increases the pain and palpitations. I was called an incredibly anxious young man, maybe that’s true. I’d say it’s more about stress than anxiety, but I’m not a doctor.

What about the emotional heart? Valentine’s Day has come and gone again, and here I am at 24 no closer to finding Mr. Right. I don’t even care about a Mr. Right Now. I’m perfectly happy alone, actually. I don’t need someone else to complete me or make me whole or happy. There’s something about that intimacy, though. That close touch, that companionship, that tenderness. I think we all crave it, and I think our dependence on technology only makes that craving stronger. Again, just an opinion, no well-thought out theory here.

When it comes to love, how far am I willing to go? I’m afraid to really put myself out on the line for someone, I think. I’ve been hurt many times, humiliated several, and left alone up to this very day. What’s to make this one person any different? Just because I feel some sort of connection, a connection I don’t even know if it’s real or not, should I risk it on a whim? Some would say yes, others would say it’s a horrible idea based on the circumstances. Friendship is great, but what about love? What about that fire inside? I’m just to scared to go there. I’m nervous to let it all out. I’ve never let it all out, I’ve never put it all out there, but I’ve always expected it for myself. It’s a wicked double standard that now I’m facing the consequences of. I’m thinking of drafting a letter. An old fashioned-one to send like in the day sof Mr. Darcy. If it works, it’d be great, if it doesn’t, what do I really have to lose? I don’t think the friendship would suffer, my feelings are already exposed. I guess I want to take a chance on this. I guess I want to try. I know I do.

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