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I’m never sure about the order of things. Right and wrong ways of making choices, figuring out where I need to be when has sometimes been an issue for me. The past week or so has been quite the roller coaster. I thought I walked off the drama train a year ago. It seems immaturity and selfishness, however, have once again reared their ugly heads. It’s pulling me further away from my feelings, my frustration is building as my stress level increases. Is my coffee ready yet?

I have a problem with feeling the need to prove myself. It’s not just about proving myself to other people, I really want to prove to myself that I can do something. In dance, in performance, what is there really to prove? After a two hour, emotionally draining meeting with the artistic director or UDT, I’ve given myself a new charge. I don’t have to prove anything, I just have to be present, there. My body can do almost anything I want it to, besides of course being symmetrical. I’m a private person, I keep things in, I bottle them up, I overanalyze to the point of hysteria. When it comes to performing on a stage for thousands of people, I appear insecure, closed off, not quite present. Well, I’m gonna change that. I want this more than I’ve wanted anything. To be a dancer, for me, is to know my place in the world. It’s not about entertainment, artistic fulfillment, or staying in shape; there’s something more to it, something deeper inside that makes dance that one thing that can fulfill every craving.

As far as my heart goes, I feel no better off than I was before. When I dream, I see all the posibilities; when I’m awake, I feel the limitations of reality. Why does it seem so hard to know what to do? I don’t want a teacher or a mentor to show me the way; I want to figure it out for myself. I want to experience love like I haven’t before. I want to know what it is to feel without question. I used to think I deserved a fairty tale; now I think I want something a bit more real. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for. There’s something so simple in the way two hands come together. That’s where the magic is. That’s what I want.