You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2009.

I haven’t written in forever. I feel like I have lots to say but not really sure how to say it. I guess I don’t let people in.  I guess maybe I should.  I guess this is maybe not the place to let it all out.

I’m 25 now.  Weird.  I feel like I’ve been getting noticed on the street though.  I always thought when I turned 25 I would have everything figured out, where I was going, etc.  I’m sure I already said this before.  Here I am, 25, with nothing figured out.  I don’t really think anyone has anything figured out though.  I’m pretty sure if someone says they do, they’re really just lying to themselves and others.

I want the world to stay mouldable. I hate when things start to harden, to cement themselves in place.  I think it’s an immaturity I don’t want to let go of.  I don’t want life to solidify or become fixed.  The only fixed thing I want is for things to stay not fixed.  Fixed as in static, not repaired.  I think once something is fixed it’s much harder to repair.

Summer seems to be going by quickly.  I’m trying to take tame to enjoy it, but it’s hard when work demands so much.  I’m not even full-time, but I feel so crazy half the time.  It’s good though.  Keeps me busy and my brain engaged.  I think that’s about it for now.

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Tomorrow is my birthday.  It seems quite strange.  I’ve seen Harry Potter three times now, and I absolutely love it.  I’m getting older, but I don’t know that I feel it.  I don’t know what to feel exactly.  It’s like being 25 is just like turning 5.  I’m not really sure about time or linearity or anything like that.  I’m sure that I don’t know as much as I did then.  Or maybe I know more.  Little boxes on the hillside.

The zoo tomorrow.  With dinner and who knows what else.  I’m hoping for a nice day.  I feel slightly discombobulated. My thoughts and my dreams and my wishes are all colliding.  If I could see the stars I bet it would feel something like that.

And I’m in Argyle. And it’s weird. And it’s way too quiet. And i am watching the food channel. And my cat still likes me after 3 years of not seeing her. And I should go to sleep. And driving for so long is like hell on the brain. And I’m exploding. And I am escaping Sunday morning for a while. And what if i just change it all? And my room is filled with pictures of me from high school and a bunch of awards i won in that time. And I listened to XL93. And I just. feel. weird.

I want to do magic. I want my life to be like harry potter.  I want to fix everything I’ve broken.

Do you know how it is when people smell a certain way? I think that’s how you know how much you like them. It is for me anyway.  Maybe. When their smell circles through you like an all-encompassing storm. Invading thoughts, actions, dreams.  It’s also something about the way the air feels different, maybe. Warmer, slower, less crisp.

Harry Potter was last night. I want to go again and again and again. I loved it, i really did. I feel as though the people who really love the story will love it too.  It’s not exactly the same as the book, of course.  You just have to accept that things can’t be perfect replications, or why would you change it in the first place to a movie? It was brilliant. I am so glad I saw it last night.  So so pleased.

It’s my birthday in a week. I have no idea what i’m doing for it. I might just see what happens and maybe other people will figure it out for me.  It’ll be sad when nothing happens though. haha. we’ll see.  the big 25.  here i come.

someone write me a note explaining my life.

What do you wish for when you see a falling star? Our deepest thoughts and dreams say a lot about who we are. Probably the most. Those are the things we rarely get to see in others. When we do, it’s just a glimpse; a blink and it’s gone.  I’m not about to share my biggest hopes and dreams.  What i wish for is for me to know.  If i ever care to share it, it’s because I want you to know.  Sometimes I feel completely transparent. Other times I feel like no one can see into my head.  Maybe it was all the adrenaline from a day of slamming my guts around at top speeds on high flying roller coasters, but my arrhythmia flared up again last night as I was trying to sleep.  Needless to say I did not sleep well. My dreams lately have been rather realistic.  Nothing fantastic or magical.  I wish I could do magic, though.  That’s a wish I’ll share I’m sure.  I almost certainly have some of the best news I have gotten perhaps in my life.  I still can’t share. Because it’s not 100 percent sure. And I don’t want my hopes to crush. Even though I’m pretty sure at this point, if it doesn’t work out, I will be drunk the entire month of November.  Still. Until it’s 100 percent, I’m not getting every one else’s hopes up.  Even though those close already know.  Bah  This is a really long paragraph. haha.  It’s not really a paragraph.  More like a stream of thoughts.  A very edited stream, of course.  If only I could say everything I thought. Everyone would probably run away screaming.  Or they’d put me away for life.  Sometimes I wonder if being considered crazy would be such a bad thing.  I’m not really sure.  I just had a mental block because a song came on my itunes.  Dear pacific day, won’t you take me away?  It’s a beautiful day outside. I’m stuck indoors for a while. Doing work. I got super burnt yesterday, but I’ll probably go to the beach and read anyway. Unless my dad wants to do something.  I can’t get a hold of him, though.  Not my fault this time.  Everything will be ok soon. We don’t really have a choice in that matter. It has to be ok. Someone or everyone or no one. That made no sense. It did.  Weird says something, though. It says things aren’t right. Or maybe it’s just a transition.  Maybe I’m always wrong.  I feel like I should go back and change all this into paragraphs, but that seems like way too much work right now.  I’ll just publish this horribly long paragraph and make everyone read through it annoyingly.  It’s only 3 days til Harry Potter. I’m so freaked. It’s only 3 days til Teddy gets home.  Things have changed so much since he left.  I wonder if life will make more sense.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to let go.  I figured something out while I was trying to fall asleep.  My brain doesn’t like to let go.  I mean, I knew that.  But while I’m trying to sleep.  It just keeps getting away.  It likes being conscious, thinking, working.  It doesn’t like giving in to sleep.  Maybe that’s why my heart doesn’t work right. Arrhythmia caused by brain overload.

i have an interview on tuesday. for target. i really kinda hope i get it. i really need the money. hopefully i can get benefits and such.  i’m just. really needing money.

i can’t get enough of youtube lately. i’ve really missed singing, and i really miss my old friends.  harry potter is like 5 days away. Daniel Radcliffe is on David Letterman as I type this.  How glorious.

Today I went to the beach and it was stormy. Ha. Stupid clouds. I love Harry Potter though. And popcorn. I’d very much like to make some right now. I might.

I had this really cool idea for a blog. About how I’m trying to change the way I think of the world.  Now I don’t know what to write because my head is a mess. Ha.

Last night I watched The Hours, which was an excellent movie, regardless of the depression and suicide.  I’ve always wanted to watch it because I love everyone in it. Plus, I love Philip Glass. I think it was mostly that movie that made contemplate changing my views.  That and Religulous.  There is so much to wonder about the world.  There is so much to learn and I have hardly begun. If I could pick the perfect profession it would be that of a learner and teacher.

I want to never stop learning. I want to know as much as I can.  I want to learn and speak languages all day and learn learn learn. One day I would like to write, perhaps, about all that I have learned. Put it in a big book that almost no one will read.  It’ll be full of silly things, discoveries, thoughts, and moments.  If reality is fabricated, if matter exists through discursive formation, if we evolved from a single-celled organism, if God exists.  These are the answers I hope never to find.  My mind will never let me stop thinking about origins, histories, and reality.  I just am not sure that I ever truly want an answer.  I don’t like questions with answers.  Leave those to the scientists.

lately i’m listening to Snow Patrol a lot. Call me gay. Call me whatever. Angstly. Who knows. I know if I could write a love song, it would be like this. Or like this.

Or maybe i’d make a dance. Which I did. Here it is.

http://www.facebook.com/brent.radeke?ref=profile#/video/video.php?v=830959209060

Yeah…i apologize for this stupid post.

so. i’m not fully here right now. i shouldn’t write this. i might delete it tomorrow.

i don’t know anything anymore. i don’t know what’s right or wrong. i don’t know anything. i just know how i feel. and that’s conflicted.

i’m going to sleep. i might pass out. nothing goes away. it all stays here in my head. my feelings don’t change if i want them to like i could control them. i missed stuff today. i wish life were different. i want to buy two tickets to europe. i want to go. now. not look back. i want so many things that i don’t know how to make happen. you were right about that. maybe. you’re right about a lot of things. probably everything. probably like me. we’re both probably always right. when we don’t want to be, even. i don’t know how that works. i just know i can’t stop.

i want to go away. away far away. i want to climb rocks and light fires and make marshmallows and change the world. i want so many things. i don’t know what i want. i want happy. i want to believe. i want to not be so cynical.

i am going to bed. i will most likely delete this. i will most likely not know that i wrote this when i wake up. happy 4th of july. i’m almost 25. 9 days til harry potter. i couldn’t be more excited. for so many reasons.

goodnight, world.

Happy 4th of July everyone!

For a happy, American nationalist day, I will give you 3 video clips.

1. Because you can never have too much BEP. 2. HP love 10 days. 3. More HP love. AHHHHH