You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2009.

so far i don’t like any of this.  not a good start. i think i need to change my mindset. become a non-feeling douchebag. maybe that’s the way to go. i have to hide it all. every second. it’s ok, though. i have too much at stake. 2 days. woh.

i spent the entire day at work writing personalized messages on postcards. i think i have a blister on my thumb. i might need to go to sleep right now. it’d probably be for the best. there are things i wish i were doing that are not this. those things have as little chance of happening as this blog of being good.

time to pass out.

Life seems to be a matrix of choices.  How we decide to choose is our own problem.  I think for the people who realize this, life becomes a lot more fragile.  Sometimes I get lost in my own head for hours just because of all the millions upon trillions of different scenarios, lives, minds, and forks in the road.  Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how other people make choices.  It’s not that complicated, really.  We’re conditioned to make choices in the manner that we do, it seems.  It gives a bit of predictability to life.  The room for error decreases the more you get to know a person.  It seems that the number of choices can be limited to a few thousand instead of a billion.  What does it really matter if you can predict, though?  Should it stop me from acting, from socializing, from following my fucked up mind?  I really don’t believe in fate.  Destiny is an easy way out for people too afraid to realize their agency.  The moment you open your mind to the possibility of self-control of the future is the same moment you realize how incredibly important and at the same time incredibly unimportant everything is.  Nothing and everything matters.  It’s all in the words, it’s all in the moves.  In 2,000 years history will have been decided by an uncountable number of different choices made by an infinite number of people.  Take some fucking ownership of your life.  Or sit and freak out about it for a while.  That’s what I do.  The longer we sit and lie dormant, the less of an impact on anything we make, which is more of an impact.  I’m talking in circles and making no sense.  I’m writing to get things off my chest that I’m not writing because I don’t know who reads this.  It’s all in the words, in the thoughts, in the moves, in the emotions.  Emotions are another thing altogether.  Love is a powerful thing, but that doesn’t mean it actually exists.

I’m ready for it to be fall. I am ready for summer to be over.

in the end it all doesn’t make sense.

who gets to have a happy ending? who gets a silver platter? i am anxiously awaiting november. it couldn’t come any sooner. the contract should arrive in the mail soon. i’m gonna sign it right away and send it back without even blinking.

how did i become so mediocre?

today i feel like lying in bed and eating ice cream and oreos.

it’s cold and summer’s almost over. finally.

Things I have realized in the past 24 hours.

1. I don’t need or want a job. (this is false, at least the first half.)

2. I want to wear this every day for the rest of summer.

3. Hedgehogs don’t look like sonic, at all.

4. I’m starting a book and my lack of job will help me in writing.  Maybe I’ll get an advance. ha.  If you want to be in my book, you better be cool.  I take bribes.

5. It’s really hot in Minnesota during August and I don’t do well with humidity.

I want to write something good.  Like I used to write.  Right now is not the time.

I have a bunch of countdowns.  3 months and 2 days til NYC, then 3 more weeks til China. 1 month and 3 days til Midwest Arts Conference. And other various ones.

I’m going away for the weekend. Probably my last vacation before NYC.  Is work really a vacation, though? No.  September is coming up fast.  Ananya Dance Theatre’s “Ashesh Barsha, Unending Monsoon” is opening very very soon. September 10-13 at the Southern Theater in Minneapolis.

Summer is almost over.  In Michigan the leaves have already started to change.  I like fall, though. Autumne. Probably my favorite season.  You can wear sweaters and it smells like pumpkin.

Life is pretty good, I’ll say that much.

In 3 months and 6 days I will be in New York City dancing.  For 3 weeks I’ll be rehearsing before flying to China and performing Missa Brevis.

Yes, I did just shit my pants.

This was my favorite song in Cabaret.