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This isn’t the right time. It isn’t the right place.  It all feels wrong.  Last night was bad.  I can’t even really talk about it.  I wish I could, but it’s too deep. IDK. What makes me like this? Whatever it is, I want it gone.  I just hope to keep repeating that this is all wrong and not the right time.  I’m the only thing that is in my way from not being ok.  Just suck it the fuck up.  Or get the f out. I don’t know.

Next year I want to run a marathon.  I feel like I need goals like this to accomplish.  I’ve said I wanted to before; this time I’m for sure going to do it.  I just need new shoes; new shorts; and hip surgery, and I’ll be all set.  Works right?  Idk.  Running gets my mind off things.  My hip just hurts too much to do it right now.  I could go swimming I suppose.  What’s an injured boy to do?  Also, I feel old.  And not as attractive as I used to feel.  Like I’m not good enough?  Idk.  Time to figure shit out I suppose.

You know when you’re so close to something you want that you can taste it?  It’s significantly difficult.  It’s a precarious matter. It’s a slippery slope:  maybe not in the conventional usage of the phrase, but you feel like you could fall over at any given time.  Life is like that for me right now.  Too close to the untouchable, to the unchangeable.  I’m roughly 2 weeks away from escape, though.  I thought I’d be thrilled to get away, but now I’m not 100 percent sure.  I feel a little weird, not ready.  I never really feel ready for anything I’m doing though. Practice practice practice think think practice think think practice.  How can I get through days like this?  I’m not trying to be emo or angsty.  I’m really just wondering. So much is at stake right now in so many ways.  How do you know which way to go?  Follow your heart, your head, or your dream?  I guess it seems like sometimes you when you want to do all 3 it becomes increasingly difficult to do any of them.  I end up sitting here, not really moving, not really taking any chances.  I’m pretty sure I want to figure it all out, to go away for a weekend to think, to escape to the woods and just be without any distractions to clear my head, heart, and hopes.  It isn’t enough just to think that everything’s clear right now because I’m pretty sure that none of it is.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?  I should write more, vent more, eat more, read more, live more.  I should do so many shoulds and I hate shoulds more than most other things. I’m incredibly annoyed too.  I wish people would grow up, or get a clue, or open their eyes.  I wish I weren’t so veiled.  I wish people knew when I was being serious.  I wish so much.  I wish, I think, I dream, I hope.  Do you see a trend?

Fall’s a good time of year.  I like it the most.  I’m excited to be in a new place for it.  To fall madly in love with a city I know very little about.  I’m scared to leave everything behind.  I’m terrified of coming back and it all being changed, or maybe worse for it to be mostly the same but feeling not right because I can’t figure out what’s changed.

Anyway, I’ll write again later. Maybe tonight but for sure tomorrow.  I don’t know if writing is good for me, but I’ll do it.